Life Is Waiting For You

A page from Kevin's Book

2007-11-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

Looking down on stars
the world is so far and cold
or is that just me?

To All My Ladies

2007-03-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

I know that there are countries out there where women are still severely undervalued and mistreated, however I don't think there are many who will disagree when I say that Canada is not I repeat NOT one of these! Over the past several decades, Canadian women have fought and won their equality. We no longer are looked down upon because of our gender and it's awesome.

That being said, we as women must learn to acknowledge ourselves at the same level as the that we demand from society. We need to stop blaming stereotypes that we are acting on. We cannot whine and complain when we are seen as sex objects because it is women who put us there. Instead, prove them wrong! Show them you are intelligent an capable of leading and being strong. The days of the woman behind the man are over and it is time to stand beside them now. The world will treat you how you teach it to treat you. I know that most of my girlfriends, especially the ones that read this are capable and more than willing to make an impact on this world. And so I ask you to go forward and teach the world to treat you with the respect you deserve. Don't hold back, but let yourself be empowered!

"Kill Your IPod"/Something Different #2/Lent

2007-02-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday and Hayley just sent me an article that has inspired me to give something up for Lent. That's right! My beloved ipod is going to find itself a new home in my drawer until Easter. I'd love to be able to say that I was going to take the 2 week challenge mentioned in the article, but I don't think I could handle giving up all forms of entertainment for the next 2 weeks. Let's see how creative I can be without any music to stop/redirect my thoughts. Let's see how I do on my own. Always up for something different.

Other Important Updates:
-I passed my managerial accounting midterm by an absolute miracle
-Spaz (aka something different #1) has unfortunately passed away

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who's been praying for me. God's really coming through for me this week and building my confidence with school and it's awesome!

Something Different #1

2007-01-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

Just to keep everyone in the loop, I'd like to introduce you all (well, kind of anyway) to my new favorite. He's little and black, and his eyes bulge out the side of his head and his name is Spaz and I pretty much have loved him since Lisa pointed to him in the pet store. I know that sounds rediculous, but it's nice to have something that I can admire and take care of that I know won't hurt my feelings. Ever. He's something different in my life because maybe if I know that there is something out there that depends on me for its very survival, I'll get less wrapped up in how many of the pictures i end up in when the cameras come out, or how many boys like me or how many of the girls come to me with their problems. It's calming to watch him swim. I don't know why. Maybe because he's so peaceful. I like him.

Update on Andrea

2007-01-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'd like to point out that Hayley's analogy about Andrea in a snowbank (www.hayleythenurse.blogspot.com) much more realistic than some might expect and is actually partially based on true events! This blog is meant to update you all on Andrea as she confronts her goals, fears, and challenges for the new term. They are as follows:

-I would like to, as my mother has suggested numerous times, "do something different", in order to actually be able to manage without reaching hysterics and perhaps even pull my marks up, whether or not law remains a possibility for the future

-Love and care for all of the people around me properly, and like Jesus would want me to

-Actually maintain a schedule of time be myself, maybe even reading the bible, praying, etc in an attempt to find out what exactly the above point requires of me

-Make more female friends

-Be comfortable and confident in being who I am

That's about it for now. I"ll try to let you all know how it's going as it goes. In the meantime, I hope you all have a good night!

Doing it on our own

2006-12-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Melissa's blog; this is kind of my response. (huffyfluffy.blogspot.com sorry I still donno how to link)

As you seek Him, and grow with Him, God teaches you what you need to know. He gives you the tools you need in order to do things, and He lets you figure it out for yourself, using what you've learned. It's sort of the trial and error, kinesthetic approach. As far as I'm concerned, that's the part that makes you value what you've learned. It's the lab that makes you care that HCl and Mg more or less explode when they're mixed. In theory, who cares? In action....it's SO awesome! I've really learned that recently. The best feeling ever is when you can finally realize that even though you feel like you're trucking it out on your own, God is there.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently. He tried Christianity for a while, for some reason or another, it didn't take. He's developed this idea that if anything good happens to him, it's cuz he's worked hard an earned if for himself, and he shouldn't have to thank anyone for it. I suspect that it may be a somewhat common theory, but he's the only person that has ever directly told me about it, so I have no way of knowing that for sure.

Here's the connection:
I do things for myself too. The trick here is that God gives me what I need to do them. He helps to do the rights things and he helps me to do them wisely....most of the time anyway. I'm not gonna say for a minute that I'm perfect, but I get it right from time to time. He doesn't walk through my life for me, putting X's on exactly each spot on the ground where I'm supposed to step. He points to the traffic lights, then I have to correctly interpret whether it is best for me to follow the turn signal, wait for the solid green to go straight, or attempt to merge into the next lane and hap-hazardly turn right.

Anyways, it's late and finals have me stressed out so I'm going to make sure I'm clear here. My point is that even though God is on my side and is giving me what I need to get things done, I'm still doing it for myself. There's this thing called free will. God made us to be thinkers. He wants us to imagine, learn, create, grow. And so He gives us tools and gives us the freedom to get there on our own 2 feet.

So here is my challenge to all of you tonight: I want you all to stop for a few minutes today, or tomorrow, or both, or sometime soon and think about what God wants you to create. Pray about it. You never know what you'll find out about yourself if you ask Him.

If you want to, send me an email or leave me a comment when you know the answer, I'd love to hear it!

Lagaan Wonderings

2006-11-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

So I watched Lagaan tonight, or the first half of it, and it got me thinking. It always gets me thinking. It made me think about Graeme Hackworth, and about what he said to us. He showed us clips of this movie throughout his lectures at my dts. The clips showed the beautiful colors, fluid dances, and poetic songs within the movies. Art at it's best. When he showed us the clips, he pointed out how the songs made reference to their gods. One is even a prayer. His question to us made my jaw drop. It was so simple, yet not one of us could answer. If they can create such beauty for lifeless idols, why can we not do more for a God who is alive, who feeds our spirits? Why can Christians do no more than follow the mainstream and attempt to stay no more than 2 steps behind in the music industry? Why do they look down on controversy? Things as simple as POD's album cover art got it banned from many Christian stores. We have the answer! Why do we run from the challenge? I don't have an answer either, but I will be on the search for one soon. My industrial relations prof said something today that stood out in my mind: "When you get out in the real world, you'll realized that people can't be bothered to think" It's true. We are content with our routines, happy in what we know. It needs to change. How can we improve on what we fail to question?

Emo Moment

2006-11-20T23:06:00.000-08:00

I hate to do this, but I have to say something. I'm gonna go emo on your guys. I'm not happy. I haven't been for days, over a week now, maybe more. I don't know why. I feel hopeless, and not in my usual freak out because I don't know what I'm going to do 3 years down the road sort of way. I feel hopeless in a no longer caring sort of way. I feel detached from everyone around me. I don't take joy in anything anymore. I feel alone. I want to matter to someone here. I feel like Whitney has replaced me with Tyler, and that he's an upgrade, even though I know that's irrational. I feel like I'm the only girl on the floor that Blair's not close with. I feel unwanted. So I'm sorry if I haven't been blogging lately, but I haven't been my usual inspired self lately. I haven't had much to say.

2006-11-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

ONE ART

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
-- Elizabeth Bishop

What DO we do?

2006-10-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked by someone here what it is we do for fun in Calgary. I was quite shocked to realize that I really couldn't point out the obvious things that we do for fun. Then it hit me: it's not the obvious that makes life in Calgary so much fun! It's the subtle points, the fine details of everyday life that bring us together. Part of what I love about my friends back home is that we don't have to go out of our way to plan fun, it just happens to us. What I'm really trying to say here is that what we do in Calgary for fun-as cheesey as it sounds- is live life together. It's that simple. The most fun I have there comes not only from our parties and spontaneous get-togethers to do things like dress up statues, but from running errands with my friends, or talking to them while they clean their rooms (or houses, depending on which friends it is). I mean really, I don't know where I'd be without my late-night coffees with Cyler, or bubble tea with Hayley, or breakfasts with the girls, or shopping with Stacey, or....well, I think you get the point by now. I love being regailed with tales of the entrancing encounters with Dr. Frank *swoon*, or the last photography escapade, or whatever else is new with everybody. You guys are my friends; what's important to you is important to me.

I love watching you guys grow, change, discover yourselfs and the world. I love that I get to have some tiny part in that. I love that you guys can be a part of my growing/changing/discovering too! That's what it's all about anyway. People are social! Lives are supposed to be lived together. And that's what makes Calgary fun for me.

So in conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for sharing your lives and passions with me. Thank you for the depth and insight that you bring. I hope you all continue to share in each other, and with me too (even though it's harder now that I'm here)

I need you guys' help!

2006-09-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!
I'm back in Saskatoon, for those who didn't know yet, and so far, it's been a lot of fun. I like my classes, I like my living arrangements for the most part, and I've had a great time with some friends that I didn't get to see all summer and my newest roomie, Nicole (aka Jen the Random). However, in the midst of all of these good times, something has come up. It's a problem that I've had for a while - a weakness one could say - that most of my closer friends know about. I really feel like this problem needs to come to an end because I'm starting to realize that people are getting hurt and I don't want to do that. Anyways, I don't want to get into too much detail with this over the net, but I would appreciate it if you guys would pray for God to give me wisedom and help me to be aware of His love, both for myself, and for others. I would appreciate that and any other support you guys are willing to offer. And PLEASE, if you know what I'm talking about, try to keep me accountable on this one. I'm gonna need all the help I can get I think. Thanks so much you guys! Later days.

2006-08-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you're just not good enough? I do. All the time. And it haunts me; it really truely eats away at my core sometimes. I feel like no matter what I do, someone points out what is wrong with it, or what I could have done better or something. Sometimes it's not even something I can fix. Or sometimes people will take the things that I liked about myself and turn them around to make them look awful. I think this really is the core of all my anxiety: I just never feel good enough. If someone else doesn't find what could be better, I will. And then I'll stress about it. I stress about not helping people that I'm not able to help, or about making a mistake, being late, or just about being me. I don't wanna head back to where I was in grade 12. I know I'm not useless. I know God has a purpose for me, but all of this leads me to feel like I'm going completely screw everything up, in all of my humanness. I don't want to do that. I want to know that I'm ok.

There's got to be a reason why I am the way I am. I KNOW there is....I just don't know what it is. Really, I don't think I need to find it. I just need Him to tell me that it's there, to reassure me. I want Him to hold onto me. I want to know Him more, and I want to know my family. I want to learn to feel attached to people because I want to be, not because I feel like I have an obligation to them that I have to fulfill.

In vs Of

2006-08-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like myself today. Like, really truely free to be me, to think to feel, the act the way I naturally would want myself to. However I have to wonder about that feeling after last night. There's a fine line that I definately encountered again at a birthday party at the Back Alley. It's that in the world vs of the world. It's so hard. I want to be able to relate to my friends who don't believe what I believe, I want to be able to understand so that I can have compassion and do things to help them that actually help...but at the same time, I don't want to be like them. NO offense to any of them because I think they're all doing the best that they can, but I have a higher motivation to meet higher standards.

So where do I draw the line? Is it ok to talk about what they talk about, as long as I don't outright encourage the behavior? Can I just make it known that I don't do it myself and leave it at that? Or do I have to avoid the conversation? Please let me know what your opinion is on this. I'd like to have a few more points of view on my situation. Thanks guys.

"You're the teacher Andrea"

2006-07-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

When I was little and I did something I shouldn't, my mom would remind me that my little brother was watching me."You're the teacher, Andrea." She would say to me with that do you want your little brother to do what you're doing sort of look on her face. It was strange to think that what I was doing might influence someone else's course of actions, but quite often it did. I even my 3 year old brother telling people we met in the mall that he was in fact 5, just like his sister.

Lately, I've noticed the same effect on other people. It's much more subtle now, but it still seems to happen every once in a while. I've watched people start using words that they deemed odd before, for example. Or last night,at our skills practice, I started cheering for people as they towed Chris across the pool, then Chad (our instructor) started to as well, then a bunch of the other guards followed suit. It's that kind of stuff that's made me think.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying for a minute that I'm incredibly charismatic or a natural-born leader or anything like that, because there are often times when I'm completely ignored as well. My point in all of this is simply that you are being watched, all the time. Sometimes good things come of this, sometimes there are bad results. Let's try and minimize the bad ones. After all, that's what integrity is all about, isn't it? So in case you didn't have enough motivation to put your best foot forward, there's a little more.

And on that note, I hope that you all have a Godly and productive week. Cheers

Introducing "True Love"

2006-07-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I know I haven't been exactly social this week and I'm sorry bout that. It's been a really bad one and I'm just trying to get things back together, so bear with me. I don't want you to feel alienated or anything.

On a brighter note, I'm back into journaling, with part II of my creative journal. This part is focusing on learning more about how to love in a healthy way, how to be loved, and what God's love is like, but really, whatever comes up will end up in there. It's called "True Love" and is kind of a continuation of my DTS creative journal, entitled "New" (or as the cover now reads, "Ne" but none of you would know that because I don't think anyone outside of my DTS even knows this journal exists). "New" was an exploration of me, as God sees me: My giftings, my thoughts, my passions. Now that I know who I am, it's time to learn about who God is and how He relates to me.

2006-07-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

14 Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! 15 The Lord has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. 16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. 17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Lord,
I am so lonely, I want you to be here with me. Come find me in the chaos of my life. Save me, call me your daughter, make me fall silent within your loving embace.

2006-06-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I have a question, let me know what you guys think about this: I know that the bible says that we're supposed to love others, but at what points do acts of service, etc surpass love and become us allowing others to push us around? Where are the boundaries on that? How do we know?

I love blogs!

2006-06-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

I love blogs! They're so exciting! I love being able to peek into the lives and thoughts of people I"m in touch with now and people that impacted my lives in the past. It's so encouraging to see people move through their lives.

I was at converge last night with Hayley, and a man whose name was Damien I think started talking about his heart. He had a huge passion for God, bigger than I've seen in a long time, and kind of what I like to think mine looked like at it's peak. He talked about his fears, and how he wanted so badly to move forward for God, but didn't know how to do it. It's really encouraging to see that it IS possible to fight through all of this, and to cultivate that "zeal" in the real world. It makes me want it even more.

Converge was awesome last night. I was so in awe of everything there. I love the church they meet in! The sanctuary itself was a work of art. The floor was 2 different kinds of hardwood, with a cross design on it, there were an alpha and an omega symbol in a mosiac in the middle of the cross and there was another mosiac at the front. The whole thing was beautiful. And the idea that it was all created as an act of worship was so incredible to me. It was a blatant reflection of God's love! Wow.

A Real Missionary

2006-06-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

As I am writing this, my friend Rachel is on her way to Morocco. From what I understand, Rachel will working with groups of North Americans who come into Morocco. I have to say that I am truely proud of her. She was my small group leader in my DTS and was a real light for me the whole way. Through her own discoveries, Rachel has taught me so much about what it's like to be a child of God. She has shown me what it's like to dream, to be confident, to know that God is on your side. She is an amazing person. She is, in my eyes, a true missionary, a world changer in her own way.

2006-06-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord wasnot in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire,, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave..."

1 Kings 19:11-13

Lord, please help me to hear your whisper...

Conceiding to the Ordinary

2006-06-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

So here's my problem. I want God to help me do something extraordinary. I'd like it to be huge, but really, for the most part, I just want it to be something that's different than what most people do with their lives. Unfortunately, lately it has seemed to me that this may not exactly be God's plan. Over the last 2 days, it seems to me that He is implying that maybe I should stop thinking so highly of myself (smacked down!). I have to say that I agree, and while I am extremely grateful for the dose of humility and aware of its necessity, I am also frustrated.

Since my DTS, I've been walking a fine line between believing that God is going to take me to the otherside of the world and use me as part of Team Change The World.....and feeling completely and utterly useless to Him. *sigh*

So anyways, this more or less started to hit me after reading part of the "Ragamuffin Gospel". I can't remember what it said, but basically, it read to me as...

"Andrea, you are a Schmoe. Now don't get me wrong, Schmoes are important to God, but you are no more important to Him than all the other Schmoes. Why should you be entitled to a purpose that is more special than the other Schmoes?"

This interpretation made me start thinking about something Mother Theresa said once: "There are no great acts, only small acts with great love". This is a great quote for when you're in one of those "road to somewhere else" stages in your life, but when thinking about life as a whole, it's not so much fun. Everyone wants to accomplish something, to know that they've made a difference or left their mark. I'm struggling with the fact that my existence is meaningless, but in a good way.

Part of the problem is that I discovered the concept of purpose while looking for more than the ordinary, and found it in a way that was not your average north american's first choice in lifestyle, and it more or less meant not even living on the continent.

Part 2 of the problem came about when I was helping a friend. He pointed out that I seemed to be quite good at what I was doing, and maybe I should consider doing it as a career. I think he was half joking, however, the strange part about it was that I had considered it as a career choice. Then I realized that this particular career lines with with all of my passions. Woot!....THEN I realized that this career would probably be a bad thing to be doing in asia. Thus, keeping me here. This is frustrating because I really enjoyed the people there and I kind of wanted to live there, even if it was jsut for a little while. To be honest, I"m not really sure what it was about this realization that bothered me, it just did.

Eep!

2006-05-31T16:02:00.000-07:00

O my gosh! I am SO freaking out today! I don't even know what started it! It's not even the good kind of freak out, like the other day. It's a freak out about the following:

-Ex-boyfriends (the last one to be specific)
-My future with guys
-My future in general
-Grace and my understanding of it (or lack thereof)

Anyways, I don't want to annoy anyone with the details, so I won't, but I had to get it out somehow. GAH!!!! Can you guys please pray for me? I need to figure this stuff out and I'd like to do it sooner rather than later.

Graeme

2006-05-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

I emailed Graeme today. It's something I love to hate doing. I love being able to share my thoughts, but to be honest, I usually dread the responses. They're usually simple, but hard to hear. They are words of encouragement, stories from those he's met. Maybe it's hard because he sees so much in me that I don't understand. He wants me to be overseas, and according to his experiences with others there, I have almost all of what it takes. Reading his reply was a huge relief. I told him straight up in about December that things weren't going the way that they were supposed to and I didn't really feel like changing them. That was the last time I wrote to him before today, but he never stopped writing to me.

I don't know what makes it so hard for me to tell him what I'm thinking. I feel like I'm letting him down, God too....but somehow, God is more ok with it; He's more forgiving of my weaknesses in my mind and He almost expects them from me. Graeme almost seemed to look at me the way my dad does when he's proud. I can't bear the idea of letting that feeling about me dissolve in anyone. He was one of the most important people that I met on my DTS. He was/is more or less a spiritual pillar for me. He managed to point out all the oddities in me, and make them seem like spectacular gifts. It was more than that though. There was something in his eyes that made it the truth. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side of the world, to learn from him again....

Chewing The Fat

2006-05-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

I have to say, that as much as sometimes I don't see eye to eye with them, I have some AWESOME friends! I just got home from what has been dubbed a "chew the fat" night with Stacey, and it was SO relieving to be with someone who understands me on that level. She may not be Christian, and so she doesn't understand some of those deeper battles in my heart. But she knows my humanness so well! She knows my weaknesses, my strengthes, and even the inner workings of my crazy little mind. Anyways, what I'm trying to say here is that "chew the fat" night has once again been a smashing success in helping me to understand myself in that way that I can't neccessarily see on my own. So thank you to Stacey. I hope that you feel as enlightened as I do

You see flowers in these weeds

2006-05-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

Lord,
I try to pick flowers for you, but they usually are dandelions, if not worse. I know that you understand that I am trying. I know that I don't always see or understand the gifts you've given me, or how they are to be used. I want to learn to use them the way you intended them to be used. I hope that you will help me to grow in a way that allows me to distinguish the flowers from the weeds. I want to give you flowers.

"Dandelions" by Five Iron Frenzy

2006-05-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

In a field of yellow flowers,
underneath the sun,
bluest eyes that spark with lightning,
boy with shoes undone.
He is young, so full of hope,
reveling in tiny dreams,
filling up, his arms with flowers,
right for giving any queen.

Running to her beaming bright,
while cradling his prize.
A flickering of yellow light,
within his mother's eyes.
She holds them to her heart,
keeping them where they'll be safe,
clasped within her very marrow,
dandelions in a vase.

She sees love, where anyone else would see weeds.
all hope is found.
Here is everything he needs.

Fathomless your endless mercy,
weight I could not lift.
Where do I fit in this puzzle,
what good are these gifts?
Not a martyr, or a saint,
scarcely can I struggle through.
All that I have ever wanted,
was to give my best to you.

Lord, search my heart,
create in me something clean.
Dandelions
you see flowers in these weeds.

Gently lifting hands to heaven,
softened by the sweetest hush,
a Father sings over his children,
loving them so very much.
More than words could warrant,
deeper than the darkest blue,
more than sacrifice could merit,
Lord, I give my heart to you.

2006-05-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

are YOU invisible? are you kidding me? would you ever allow yourself to become invisible? heaven forbid that the world stops revolving around you for long enough to realize the impact that you have when you talk about stuff like that. You wanna talk about bring up pain? Let's talk about grade 12 and the fact that you were one of the people who talked about what had happened over the summer. You think that didn't bring up pain? And what about tonight? You know how I feel about what you were talking about. You know what all of that means to me. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking you to think when you talk.

2006-05-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

Today was quite the interesting day. It really made me think alot about where I stand with people, how they see me, what I'm worth to them, etc. I really feel like there are certain people who think that they almost own a piece of me. And maybe they're right, but I don't like it. I makes me wonder about me philosophy of relationships. I know that I'm supposed to love on people, and I love doing that, but sometimes I wonder if there is a line. When do you have to take time for yourself?

I find myself in a place this summer where I can't be bothered to care anymore. I feel like I have had so much taken from me, and so much expected from me that I just don't want to give anymore. I really really want to find someone who will invest in me right now. Maybe that's where God comes in, because I don't really see much interest from people in helping me grow stronger. In fact, I don't think most people notice my weakness. It's kind of confusing when you feel like you're emotionally on your knees and your closest friends keep dumping on you and guilt-tripping you and expecting from you.

I guess what I'm really looking for is the same thing that I've been looking for since the "amanda incident" (if you don't know what this is, you probably don't want to ask): I want someone to see who I am and see that it's great. I mean really, I see it, why can't anyone else? No, I'm not actually that conceited, but I've come accept that there are good things about me (gasp!) and I like them and I want to build on them and try to improve that bad.

It's really interesting how I could find what I'm looking for and then let is slip away. God was everything that I just said I'm looking for. He helped me to dream big dreams and He gave me hope for the future. He was the one who showed me what I can be. But I let it get taken away from me. I don't even know how. I don't know where the idea came from, but it came. And now I'm left close to where I was 2 summers ago. It really makes me wonder.

I don't understand how someone like me, who could be worth so much in the eyes of our Creator could be worth so little to some of my peers. Is it something I do? I must be setting myself up for it. It's strange. But it's late and I'm ranting, so I'm going to take off now.

My Daddy

2006-05-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know it's 10 minutes to mother's day, but I have to say, I love my dad! I love that he respects me enough to see my side of it, I love that he thinks I've become something he can be proud of and that he ACTUALLY wants what's best for me. Most importantly, I love that he loves me. I wish I could say that he knew I loved him, but I don't know that it's true. I want him to though. I think he deserves it. Him and me are like that, we don't really express how much we appreciate the other, and it gets harder the longer we leave it. I don't like it. He deserves more than that from me.

Hurray for my yesterday!

2006-05-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was sooo awesome!

I spent the first part of the day with Mar, and we did the usual cruising the city and blasting the tune thing, but then something better happened....In a state of quasi-boredom, we ended up in a flowershop in Cochrane. We bought a dozen roses, and spent the next couple hours delivering flowers to some of our girlfriends ("les femmes avec une fleur" as I started to call us :D ). The part that made it awesome was the way people reacted to it. One girl actually looked like she might have had an attack of some kind and end up on the floor she was so excited. I haven't done anything like this in such a long time. I love being able to show people that they're important to me like that. It's so uplifting, I just love it!

A few hours later, I ended up having coffee with Hayley (who gets mad props for putting with with my verbal tornado of emotions, thanks hun!). It was so awesome too! We ended up hanging out til 3 am and she totally encouraged me to "turn up my music". Anyways, it turned into this awesome talk about faith and keeping it moving forward, etc. It was super interesting. Anyways, I was gonna rave about all of this last night when I got home, and it probably would have been more exciting had I written about it then, but as I said earlier, it was uber late. So there's my day!

Explosion of my confusion

2006-05-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

Gah! I feel so ignorant! I have so much I want to know, so much I want to fix in myself, but I don't even know what questions to ask. How can you find answers when you don't know the questions anyway. I know that I need to stop relying no people, but I don't even know how I'm supposed to find what I'm looking for in God. How do you fill up on the love that you don't truely believe exists?

Don't get me wrong, I know that His love is more than I could ever possibly need or imagine and is so freely available should I only choose to accept it. However, as discussed so many times this year, I'm a feeler. I run on my feelings. I'm not saying I don't think, but my thoughts are kind of along the lines of "why do I feel this" as opposed to the thinker out there, whose feelings are the product of their thoughts. And so, in order to really be able to connect with the idea, I have to know it deep down in my heart.

I don't think I'm far off from believing the part about unending love, but the unconditional kind of gets me. It's hard to believe that love that I have to fight to feel when I'm trying my hardest and think that I"m close to God is really there for me all the time. It's slightly preplexing actually. But I suppose if I take it a step at a time, I might eventually get there.

But how? I can read and learn and discuss all I want, but it's only thoughts. I need to learn how to convert these thoughts into my deep down honest beliefs in my heart, and after lots of prayer, I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm gonna have to do it myself (which is kind of a cruel twist on it, if you ask me).

Hockey players, engineers, and the rest of the guys out there

2006-05-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I"m back. I know it's soon, but as I've become one of those losers who reads the blogs of their friend's friend's etc, I've come into some recent inspiration for a rant. I have to say that I'm really frustrated with the world of dating and for that matter, me being in it. Some days I wish I could just wear a sign that says "I just want to be your friend" cuz that's pretty much how I feel about it. I'm not gonna lie, I want a boyfriend really badly. However, I'm not just looking for any boyfriend, I'm looking for that perfect Christian boy who will have crazy schemes and a random sense of humor like I do, so that I don't have to worry about causing him to be confused scared or judgement. O yeah, and I want to be able to see us together ten years from now. AKA, I want to date the guy that I'm not even emotionally ready to meet yet.

Ok, so this is definately not an option, but that leaves me with another question: If I can't have Mr. Right, should I go out with Mr. Right Now? Apparently everyone else thinks I should. Why? because it would be fun, duh. But being me, I have to question this idea of fun. Is it really that fun to get super attached to someone who could potentially waltz out of your life at any moment? Call me crazy, but I donno that I agree. I have to stand by my previous statements on this one: Overall, I hate dating. However, I adore being able to have that depth and attachment to someone. Needless to say, I'm not the type that takes break-ups well. And yes, I am aware that I have been known to giggle as an immediate result of breakups, but it's not a happy giggle.

Anyway, in my mind, frequent boy-hopping equates to having a new best friend every few months, which is a silly idea for anyone over the age of 13. And while I may be on the band wagon, I'm hoping that I can become enough of a gazelle to gracefully prance off of it. It's really not worth my time right now, due to my emotional nature among other things. Unfortunately, my attempt to convince myself that I don't want to have a boyfriend seems to be my most attractive quality. It's brought me a variety of potential not-friends that I wish just wanted chill with me.

To take this a level deeper, I have to ask myself, is it my fault? Am I subconsciously attracting these guys so that I can bask in the attention? Because if I am, I'm going to have to smack myself accross the face multiple times, cuz that's not cool. However, as unfortunate as it sounds, it is an incredible possibility I must admit. And this possibility only adds to the urgency of my solving the previously mentioned problem, as it would really decrease my desire for any kind of attention. I guess that all I can do is try to figure that out. I think it'll really make a lot of things easier for me. And on that note, I'm off to bed.

*stumbles away like a confused gazelle attempting to fall off a bandwagon*

An insightful glimpse into the inner workings of my summer

2006-05-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

I think (actually, I should say I hope) that this summer will be everything that I see it being. There is a lot of potential to learn and grow a lot from the people around me here. It's really quite awesome to have people understand me and not react with perplexed looks when I say I didn't sleep with my ex-boyfriend when we were together, etc. It's exciting to be able to say that I'm trying to do the right thing and to follow Jesus (note that I said try, cuz I'm definately not succeeding) and not have the rolled eyes and stuff that usually follow. Yey! I'm wishing for many deep and meaningful discussions about life, faith, and our world this summer, so watch out you guys! lol.

On the downside, living at home has brought out even further my newest rediscovered insecurity, and this one's an ugly bugger. It's going to be a challenge to hold on, while dealing with it. I do hope to be at least on the right track to fixing it this summer, but it's going to be interesting. You see, fixing it is going to boil down to this wonderful problem that I have when it comes to relationships with anyone, including God. It's the "I know it, but I don't feel it, and therefore, it's not a fact for me" problem, and it's a big one for me. It's always been a problem for me with my family, it was basically the cause of every arguement with my last boyfriend, and a huge obstacle between me and God.

I'm hoping that the former will be able to help me to find whatever it is that I need to solve the latter here. It's gonna be a long haul, but hopefully a good one. Cheers!

School's over!

2006-04-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

School is done and I'm back home (YEY!!!) but I have to say I really miss everybody in rez. All my little rezzies have gone back to their random towns, and here I am in calgary and it's strange. Strange not to live in a building that probably houses about 200 girls, strange to know that I will never again have to eat off of a tray, unless I choose to of course, and most definately strange to not be surrounded by tons of people 24 hours a day. It will be an adjustment I"m sure. However, all is not lost! There are definately good things about being back in calgary! I get to start working next week, which is exciting because I love working AND it means that money will be coming in as well as going out. This is most definately a good thing. Not being in school will also allow me the opportunity to persue the following goals/hobbies that I've decided to go after:
-Seeking God and His love and hopefully His healing and guidance, etc
-Learning to play more than 2 scales on the Ishmael (my bass guitar)
-Crocheting (my mom wants me to improve my fine motor skills, lol)

If anyone who is reading this has taken bscm 100, please note and appreciate the bulleted list lol. Anyways, these are my plans for the summer. This also means that even if I don't blog at all for the next 4 months, I will have to do a follow-up blog in august about how many of these goals/hobbies have been accomplished...can you accomplish a hobby? I think that would defeat the purpose...sorry, anyways, I will leave you on that note.

HAVE AN AMAZING SUMMER EVERYONE!!!!! :D

Welcome To My Blog

2006-04-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so secretly, this blog was mostly just started, cuz I wanted to take part in Fluffy's poll and encourage her usage of caffiene before blogging (now that you aren't tons of fun before caffiene Melissa!), but we'll just keep that between you and me for now. But here it is! My blog! Isn't it blogtastic?...Well hopefully it will be soon. Anyways, I'd like to encourage you all to comment, because i always love to hear the wonderful options of my friends out there. For those of you who don't have a blog, i think that needing a blog in order to comment is a huge scam, and i feel your pain. You can email me instead :D.

A few things that I thought of while making this blog (some of these are for my benefit, and some are for the benefit of the people who read this (if there are any):

1) I hope you can change the background after you make the blog, because I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a better option eventually. Speaking of which, do any of you know how to do the cool backgrounds and music etc on myspace? Cuz I cannot even fathom how I would possibly make this happen.

2) I would like to warn you all now that on this site, the "work them in slowly" rule does not, I repeat, DOES NOT apply. Therefore, do not surprised if you find some stuff from way out in left field in here, especially if you don't know me very well

3) See that blog title up at the top there? I'm kind of using that as my goal for this blog. It kinda goes with #2 I guess. Anyways, I'm hoping to get back to my old self enough that I can rant excitedly about all the random things that get me extatic or make me go crazy or whatever.

Ok, so how does that look? I think it'll do for now. Anyone disagree? Ok, good! I have to go replode my stats notes now.